She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
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New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
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there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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