The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." ๐ ๐๐ท
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
No offense, but I donโt think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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