Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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