life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
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My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
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Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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