Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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