Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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