I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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