god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
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I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
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Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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