explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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