I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
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Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
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We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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