sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
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Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
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Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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