I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
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And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
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I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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