Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
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So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
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There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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