I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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