wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
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I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
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hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
FUCK WHALES
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