do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize