I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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