well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
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I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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