I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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