you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
