she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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