I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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