dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
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Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I am one with the molecules
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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