Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize