My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
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I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
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there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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