Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
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Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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