you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
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She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
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duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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