He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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