There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
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I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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