well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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