any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
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He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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