Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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