remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
