Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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