these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
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my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
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Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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