Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
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Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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