I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
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So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
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I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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