Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize