Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
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Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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