How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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