God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize