I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
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Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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