Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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