I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
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she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
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Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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