Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
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I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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