I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
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1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
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But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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