Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
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Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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