I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
