My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
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someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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