just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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